constructive feedback Archives - Human Nature Development

How to Give Constructive Feedback (Without Being a Jerk)

Practical Tips for Having Difficult Conversations with Employees

Why Giving Feedback Matters

You know that thing someone on your team keeps doing that really needs to change? The mistake that keeps happening, the procedure that keeps getting ignored, or the behaviour that's causing problems for everyone else?

You've noticed it. You've probably thought about saying something. Maybe you have even rehearsed the conversation in your head a few times. But somehow, actually having it feels like a much bigger deal than it should.

What if they get upset or take it personally? What if you damage a perfectly good working relationship?

So you put it off. Or you try to be so gentle and diplomatic that the actual message gets lost somewhere along the way.

Here's the thing: giving feedback is part of being a leader. People need to know when something isn't working, and they need to understand what they can do differently. Avoiding those conversations doesn't help them, you or the rest of the team.

The good news is that giving constructive feedback is a skill you can develop. You don't need a complicated formula or a personality transplant. You just need to be clear, considerate and prepared to have an honest conversation.

Here's how to do it well, without being a jerk about it.

What Does Good Constructive Feedback Look Like?

In a previous article (You Gave Feedback. They Got Upset. Now What?) I talked about what to do when people get upset about receiving feedback, and that their reaction is their responsibility.

But there might be times people get (righteously) upset because feedback really has been delivered badly. That’s avoidable. So let’s avoid it.

Being a leader doesn't give you permission to be rude, blunt, dismissive or disrespectful. Your tone, your choice of words, your timing, and how you explain things all make a big difference.

So, how do you know whether you're approaching feedback appropriately? Here are some things to consider:

1. Make sure the feedback is actually constructive

Is this something that genuinely needs correcting? Is it about improving performance, preventing a problem or achieving a better outcome?

If someone has done something incorrectly, explain what they should be doing instead. Simply telling someone they've got something wrong doesn't give them much to work with.

Not particularly helpful:
"Look, you idiot, you didn't follow the correct procedure. We've been over this!"
(Attacks the person, expresses frustration, doesn't explain what needs to happen differently.)

Much more helpful:
"When you process these orders, it's very important to check the customer details before submitting them. This helps us avoid shipping errors, which can be costly, cause delays and leave customers unhappy. In the future, confirm the customer details against what we have on file before you hit submit."
(Identifies the correct behaviour, explains why it matters, and gives the person something specific to work on.)

You don't have to wrap everything in cotton wool, but you do need to think about how you're communicating.

Gut check:

Are you correcting something that genuinely matters, or are you just annoyed because someone has done something differently from the way you would have done it? Make sure you're not just following a (possibly perfectly human, but ultimately not helpful) desire for control that might be verging on micromanagement.

There's a difference between a mistake and a perfectly reasonable way of doing something that is simply different from your way. If it's not causing a problem with results and doesn't compromise your values, perhaps it doesn't need correcting at all.

2. Have the conversation privately

Don't correct someone in front of their coworkers, customers or anyone else who doesn't need to be involved.

Even if your intentions are good, and even if you're presenting it in the most constructive way possible, public criticism is a big fat no-no.

Give them the opportunity to hear what you're saying without feeling like they're being put on the spot.

(The only exception here is something that has to be urgently corrected for, say, a safety reason. If someone is about make a mistake that means a piano is going to drop into the street below on innocent bystanders, correct it immediately, but talk to the team member responsible in more detail privately later on.)

(Side note - check out our much-loved workshop, "Leading The Way" to develop these skills with coach Liz Wootton.)

3. Don't leave it hanging around unnecessarily

Where possible, have the conversation in the moment or as soon afterwards as is practical.

Leaving something for weeks can make it harder to address, particularly if the person has no idea there's a problem. It's hard to remember detail, and the danger is that after some time has passed it feels even more awkward to bring it up, so you avoid it altogether.

Of course, use your judgement. If someone is visibly distressed, or you're feeling particularly frustrated or emotional yourself, you may want to take a little time before having the conversation. Allow the emotions to calm a little first, then circle back.

4. Be clear and direct

This is where many well-intentioned people come unstuck.

If you're worried about upsetting someone, you might find yourself talking around the point, adding endless explanations, softening the message until it's barely recognizable, or apologizing before you've even said anything.

You can end up making a relatively simple conversation much more confusing than it needs to be.

Try this exercise: can you make your main point in 12 words or less?

You don't actually have to deliver your feedback in 12 words, but it's a useful way to practice getting to the point.

If you think you're going to ramble, write down what you want to say first. Work out the most important message and strip away anything that isn't necessary.

Unnecessary fluff can make things very unclear, and as Brené Brown so eloquently says, Clear Is Kind.

5. Explain why it matters

People are much more likely to understand and engage with feedback when they know why something needs to change.

(And no, "Because I said so!” doesn’t count as a reason.)

Explain the bigger picture. Does it affect customers? Does it create extra work for colleagues? Is there a safety issue? What are the financial implications?

Giving someone the context helps them understand the reason behind the request, rather than simply feeling that they're being told what to do.

6. Give them an opportunity to respond

Feedback doesn't have to be a one-way announcement.

Once you've explained what needs to change and why, give the other person an opportunity to ask questions, explain their perspective or clarify anything they don't understand.

You might discover that there's a reason behind what they've been doing that you weren't aware of. You don't have to agree with everything they say, or accept excuses, but listening to understand is a huge part of communicating well.

And remember that some people need a little time to process information before they can respond constructively. Don't assume that silence means agreement, understanding, or defiance. It could be any or none of those.

You don't have to make it perfect

Here's the thing about human interactions: they're messy.

You can prepare carefully, choose your words thoughtfully and approach a conversation with the best possible intentions, and it can still go a bit pear-shaped.

That's okay.

You might stumble over your words. Maybe you realise afterwards that you could have explained something better. Perhaps you need to revisit a conversation later to clarify what you meant.

Being a good leader doesn't mean getting every interaction right. It means being willing to learn, reflect and improve.

And it means recognizing that other people have their own feelings, experiences and responses, which you cannot control.

So, if you've recently given someone feedback and they didn't react particularly well, take a moment to reflect.

Did you deliver the message respectfully? Was it clear, necessary and constructive? Did you give them a reasonable opportunity to understand and respond?

If so, perhaps you can stop beating yourself up about it.

What now?

You can be kind without avoiding difficult conversations. You can be considerate without taking responsibility for someone else's feelings. And you can be a good leader without making sure everyone likes everything you say.

In fact, sometimes being a good leader means being prepared to have the conversations that nobody particularly wants to have.

That's part of working with people. And it's a skill we can all get better at.

Want some personalized support? Talk to Liz Wootton about Leadership Coaching

How to Give Constructive Feedback (Without Being a Jerk) Read More »

You Gave Feedback. They Got Upset. Now What?

How to Give Constructive Feedback to Employees Without Worrying About Their Reaction

You've had to give someone on your team some constructive feedback. Perhaps they've made a mistake, done something incorrectly, or there's something they need to change about the way they're working.

You've thought carefully about how to approach it. You've tried to be considerate, chosen your words carefully and gone out of your way to avoid hurting their feelings.

And then... they get upset.

Maybe they become defensive, go quiet, get angry or make you feel like you've just committed some terrible personal offence.

Now you're wondering whether you should have said anything at all. Maybe you could have worded it differently? Perhaps you should have waited? Maybe you tell yourself you're just not very good at having these conversations?

First, take a breath

Giving constructive feedback is a human skill, not a magic formula. And you are not responsible for making sure someone else feels good about receiving it.

Let's explore what that means.

Your job is to give feedback well. Their reaction is their responsibility.

If you're in a leadership or people-management role, giving feedback is part of your job. Sometimes that means telling someone something they would rather not hear.

It's understandable that you want to do this well. Nobody enjoys upsetting people, particularly when you have a good working relationship with them. But there's a difference between taking responsibility for how you deliver feedback and taking responsibility for how someone responds to it.

Your responsibility is to deliver feedback kindly, clearly and appropriately. You can think about your timing, your choice of words, your tone and whether you've explained what needs to change and why.

What you cannot do is control how the other person receives it.

They might have had a previous manager who regularly criticized and belittled them. They might have experienced rejection or criticism in a particularly painful way in the past. They might be having a terrible day for reasons that have absolutely nothing to do with you.

Or perhaps the feedback has touched on something they're already feeling insecure about.

You simply don't know everything that's going on for another person.

And even if you deliver the feedback perfectly, they might still feel uncomfortable, embarrassed, defensive or upset in the moment.

That doesn't automatically mean you've done something wrong.

Why does feedback sometimes feel so awful?

There's some human biology at play here.

Our brains and nervous systems are constantly assessing whether we're safe or under threat. And while a conversation about an error in a spreadsheet isn't exactly a life-threatening situation, our brains don't always make such a neat distinction in the moment.

Being criticized, corrected or feeling that we've disappointed someone can trigger a threat response. We might experience embarrassment, anxiety, shame or a sense of rejection.

When that happens, our ability to think clearly and respond calmly can take a bit of a hit. Our nervous systems are trying to protect us from perceived danger, and as a result, we might become defensive, withdraw, get angry or struggle to take in what's actually being said.

Understanding this (very human, very normal) reaction can be incredibly helpful. If we recognize what's happening inside us, we have a better chance of responding differently. We can learn to notice that uncomfortable feeling without automatically acting on it.

Our feelings are real, but they don't have to dictate our actions.

Feeling criticized doesn't mean you have to become defensive. Feeling embarrassed doesn't mean you have to lash out. And feeling uncomfortable doesn't mean someone has treated you badly.

This applies to the person receiving feedback, but it also applies to the person giving it.

If someone reacts badly to something you've said, you might feel anxious, guilty, frustrated or even angry yourself. You might be tempted to backtrack, apologize unnecessarily or abandon the conversation altogether.

But when you understand what might be happening for them, and you give them a little grace, you can acknowledge that someone is upset without taking back perfectly reasonable feedback. You can be compassionate about what's happening in their nervous system without losing sight of what needs to change.Type your paragraph here

(Side note - it's super helpful when everyone on your team understands this stuff about the nervous system. Check out our much-loved workshop, "We Need To Talk" to bring this knowledge and practical skills to your team.)

Nice isn't always the same as kind

This is something worth thinking about if you find difficult conversations particularly challenging, or if you (like me) have a tendency to be a people-pleaser.

Sometimes we confuse being nice with being kind.

Being nice might mean avoiding an uncomfortable conversation because we don't want to upset someone. It might mean letting something slide, even when it's causing problems for the rest of the team.

Being kind, on the other hand, means considering what's genuinely in someone's best interests, as well as the interests of the wider team. Being kind means giving someone the opportunity to improve and be the best they can be.

Sometimes being kind means telling a person something they might not enjoy hearing.

If someone is making a mistake that affects their colleagues, customers, or the business, allowing that behaviour to continue really isn’t doing them any favours, and could be having a detrimental effect on the whole team.

You can deliver a difficult message gently and respectfully. You can acknowledge someone's feelings and give them space to process what you've said.

But you still need to say it.

Avoiding every uncomfortable conversation might make life easier in the short term, but it rarely makes you a better leader.

What now?

Ok, so knowing that you can't control someone's reaction doesn't mean you shouldn't think carefully about how you deliver feedback. So how do you do that?

If you'd like some practical tips for getting those conversations right, read my article on How to Give Constructive Feedback (Without Being A Jerk).

And check out Leadership Coaching for hands-on help with your team, your situation, and your goals.

You Gave Feedback. They Got Upset. Now What? Read More »