You Gave Feedback. They Got Upset. Now What?
You Gave Feedback. They Got Upset. Now What?
How to Give Constructive Feedback to Employees Without Worrying About Their Reaction
You've had to give someone on your team some constructive feedback. Perhaps they've made a mistake, done something incorrectly, or there's something they need to change about the way they're working.
You've thought carefully about how to approach it. You've tried to be considerate, chosen your words carefully and gone out of your way to avoid hurting their feelings.
And then... they get upset.
Maybe they become defensive, go quiet, get angry or make you feel like you've just committed some terrible personal offence.
Now you're wondering whether you should have said anything at all. Maybe you could have worded it differently? Perhaps you should have waited? Maybe you tell yourself you're just not very good at having these conversations?
First, take a breath
Giving constructive feedback is a human skill, not a magic formula. And you are not responsible for making sure someone else feels good about receiving it.
Let's explore what that means.
Your job is to give feedback well. Their reaction is their responsibility.
If you're in a leadership or people-management role, giving feedback is part of your job. Sometimes that means telling someone something they would rather not hear.
It's understandable that you want to do this well. Nobody enjoys upsetting people, particularly when you have a good working relationship with them. But there's a difference between taking responsibility for how you deliver feedback and taking responsibility for how someone responds to it.
Your responsibility is to deliver feedback kindly, clearly and appropriately. You can think about your timing, your choice of words, your tone and whether you've explained what needs to change and why.
What you cannot do is control how the other person receives it.
They might have had a previous manager who regularly criticized and belittled them. They might have experienced rejection or criticism in a particularly painful way in the past. They might be having a terrible day for reasons that have absolutely nothing to do with you.
Or perhaps the feedback has touched on something they're already feeling insecure about.
You simply don't know everything that's going on for another person.
And even if you deliver the feedback perfectly, they might still feel uncomfortable, embarrassed, defensive or upset in the moment.
That doesn't automatically mean you've done something wrong.
Why does feedback sometimes feel so awful?
There's some human biology at play here.
Our brains and nervous systems are constantly assessing whether we're safe or under threat. And while a conversation about an error in a spreadsheet isn't exactly a life-threatening situation, our brains don't always make such a neat distinction in the moment.
Being criticized, corrected or feeling that we've disappointed someone can trigger a threat response. We might experience embarrassment, anxiety, shame or a sense of rejection.
When that happens, our ability to think clearly and respond calmly can take a bit of a hit. Our nervous systems are trying to protect us from perceived danger, and as a result, we might become defensive, withdraw, get angry or struggle to take in what's actually being said.
Understanding this (very human, very normal) reaction can be incredibly helpful. If we recognize what's happening inside us, we have a better chance of responding differently. We can learn to notice that uncomfortable feeling without automatically acting on it.
Our feelings are real, but they don't have to dictate our actions.
Feeling criticized doesn't mean you have to become defensive. Feeling embarrassed doesn't mean you have to lash out. And feeling uncomfortable doesn't mean someone has treated you badly.
This applies to the person receiving feedback, but it also applies to the person giving it.
If someone reacts badly to something you've said, you might feel anxious, guilty, frustrated or even angry yourself. You might be tempted to backtrack, apologize unnecessarily or abandon the conversation altogether.
But when you understand what might be happening for them, and you give them a little grace, you can acknowledge that someone is upset without taking back perfectly reasonable feedback. You can be compassionate about what's happening in their nervous system without losing sight of what needs to change.Type your paragraph here
(Side note - it's super helpful when everyone on your team understands this stuff about the nervous system. Check out our much-loved workshop, "We Need To Talk" to bring this knowledge and practical skills to your team.)
Nice isn't always the same as kind
This is something worth thinking about if you find difficult conversations particularly challenging, or if you (like me) have a tendency to be a people-pleaser.
Sometimes we confuse being nice with being kind.
Being nice might mean avoiding an uncomfortable conversation because we don't want to upset someone. It might mean letting something slide, even when it's causing problems for the rest of the team.
Being kind, on the other hand, means considering what's genuinely in someone's best interests, as well as the interests of the wider team. Being kind means giving someone the opportunity to improve and be the best they can be.
Sometimes being kind means telling a person something they might not enjoy hearing.
If someone is making a mistake that affects their colleagues, customers, or the business, allowing that behaviour to continue really isn’t doing them any favours, and could be having a detrimental effect on the whole team.
You can deliver a difficult message gently and respectfully. You can acknowledge someone's feelings and give them space to process what you've said.
But you still need to say it.
Avoiding every uncomfortable conversation might make life easier in the short term, but it rarely makes you a better leader.
What now?
Ok, so knowing that you can't control someone's reaction doesn't mean you shouldn't think carefully about how you deliver feedback. So how do you do that?
If you'd like some practical tips for getting those conversations right, read my article on How to Give Constructive Feedback (Without Being A Jerk).
And check out Leadership Coaching for hands-on help with your team, your situation, and your goals.
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