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Leading Through Difficult Emotions

In adversity, we must be willing to face a formidable opponent: our own difficult emotions.

When faced with such an opponent, our first instinct might be to run, or to avoid. Engaging may feel dangerous, uncomfortable. Our discomfort or shame can cause us to lash out at unsuspecting bystanders, or deflect the difficult feelings onto others through blame.

In the moment, it might make us feel better.  We perhaps become defensive, convince ourselves it was something or someone else’s fault. We put the armour on, shield ourselves to stay safe from these difficult feelings. Or we push them down, hiding the feelings away and refusing to engage with them at all.  It’s a natural thing, for our brains to try and keep us safe.

But by deflecting, shielding, or suppressing, we are only delaying the hurt. We are not truly safe, and we may merely be perpetuating a long line of similar behaviours throughout our teams (whether those are work teams, sports teams, volunteer teams or families). Hurt people hurt people. It’s a vicious cycle.

What if, instead, we choose to be courageous?  What if we step onto the mat, and spar with those feelings? If we step into the discomfort, face our shame head-on?  Only this way do we learn and grow. 

This is definitely not the easy path, it is not a path of comfort, but this is the path of growth and improvement. This path requires vulnerability, it requires humility, strength and courage. It requires owning our part, admitting when we have taken emotionally driven actions and hurt other people. And we must treat ourselves and others with kindness, support and compassion as we walk it.

True leaders can encourage others to take this path, leading by example and with empathy. Helping them to understand that emotions are not ‘wrong’ or ‘bad’, they just ‘are’. But how we choose to act when we feel those emotions is important. 

Let’s understand this: success is not being happy all the time. And experiencing sadness, anger, fear or shame does not mean you are failing, or that you are weak. Difficult emotions are part of the human experience just as much as the pleasurable ones.  Let’s learn to learn from them.

Self-care during COVID-19

Self-Care in a Time of Crisis

This post was inspired by my sister, who today was telling me of a 21 day program she was signed up for through her work (she’s a teacher) designed to help people feel good as they navigate this COVID-19 crisis. Each day, she receives a suggested exercise by text, which is supposed to go some way to enriching one’s life – it’s bitesize and simple. But she was puzzled by some of the exercises, which didn’t quite seem appropriate for a time of crisis when so many are worried about money – today’s suggestion was to list all your debts and monthly financial obligations, but with no instruction other than to list them. She was concerned this might not exactly have a calming effect on those who have lost income.

As a coach, my first instinct was that this 21 day program wasn’t designed for times like these. Yes, under NORMAL circumstances, if you tend to put your head in the sand about money, and need to regain a sense of control, listing all your monthly outgoings makes sense. Put all the problems out on the table, then you can start to figure out a plan to deal with them.  But these are not NORMAL circumstances.  If the idea of ‘enriching your life’ right now, while you’re trying your best to work from home/keep your business afloat/homeschool your kids/find the groceries you need/try not to get the virus, seems a bit out of reach, it’s hardly surprising.

At times like these, it’s important to remember that you are human. And as such, you have a set of basic requirements, which psychologist Maslow identified in his well-known Hierarchy of Needs. The hierarchy is usually shown as a pyramid – the more basic needs sit at the bottom of the pyramid. Maslow theorized that the higher needs in the hierarchy will emerge when the lower needs have been satisfied.

maslow's hierarchy of needs

Self-actualization, the part that we are often working towards when we think of enriching our lives, achieving our goals, reaching our potential, and going after our dreams, is extremely difficult if we are not able to take care of the lower parts of the pyramid.

Life, for many of us during this crisis, may feel like an encampment in the bottom half of this pyramid right now – as we worry about whether the store will have the groceries we need, lose sleep with the uncertainty, and stress about losing income. And that’s on top of the fundamental worry about health and hygiene.

So what do we do? If normal coaching exercises don’t apply, what sort of exercises are helpful to do during this time?

My advice is to keep it EXTRA SIMPLE. There is much outside of your control, but there is still much within it.  

Here are a few feel-good things to try right away.

    1. Address Your Sleep hygiene

Good sleep hygiene is a good practice at any time to help you get the best from your night’s rest, but at times of extra stress or worry, it becomes especially important. Here are a few sleep hygiene ideas you can try out.

      • Keep your bedroom at a good temperature for sleeping. This usually means a little cooler than a room you live in.
      • Go to bed at a regular time each night. Avoid the instant gratification of ‘just one more episode’ or getting sucked into endless scrolling on social media instead of going to bed.
      • Have a wind-down routine if you can. It doesn’t have to be a long one, but even putting your devices away half an hour before bed can help you wind down.
      • Avoid social media and news just before bed. Late at night is not the best time to fill your head with worrying news and opinion on the crisis. The news will still be there in the morning.
      • Try a guided meditation for sleep. There are hundreds available on the free Insight Timer app. My personal favourites are Jennifer Piercy’s Yoga Nidra sessions.
 2. Try Journalling
If you’ve got a notebook somewhere, I recommend using an actual pen to get your thoughts out there on paper. This isn’t for anyone else, it’s for you, so write whatever you want. Journalling can be a great way to get difficult emotions out, instead of keeping them bottled up. If you’re holed up in close quarters with your whole family and struggling, take yourself away from it and pour it out in a journal. If you’re scared or anxious, try writing it out. Whatever comes out is ok – try not to judge yourself for feeling the way you do. It’s normal to be experiencing difficult emotions right now.
 
 
3. Practice Gratitude
Every day, take a moment to identify at least one thing that you’re grateful for. Keep it really simple – you can be grateful for a nice cuddle with your dog, or for coffee. Make it real for you.
Gratitude has been shown to have neurological benefits. It’s not false positivity or ‘finding a silver lining’, rather it’s intentionally acknowledging your appreciation for some aspect of your life.  You can find more information at Positive Psychology here.
Forgive yourself for feeling upset, frustrated, angry, resentful, or anything else you think you shouldn’t be feeling because other people are worse off than you. You can be grateful for what you do have without feeling guilty about your emotions surrounding the less good stuff!
 
 
4. Try Guided Meditation
Having a soothing voice guide you through a relaxation exercise or visualisation can be just what the doctor ordered when tensions are high. Most will help you breathe more deeply, and release the physical and mental tension that worry and stress cause.
There are hundreds of guided meditations available on the Insight Timer app, plus I have recorded some which are available for free on this website –click here to get the audio files and let me know how you get on with them!

What’s missing from your Goal Setting Process?

Make the Leap from Goal Setter to Goal GETTER

Goal setting comox valley

Want to up your game from just setting goals, and actually start achieving them?  If you want to make the leap from being a goal setter to being a GOAL GETTER…?

The live event happened April 1st, but if you missed it, and wish you’d been there, don’t worry – you can get instant access to the recording!

“Set audacious goals! Don’t be afraid to dream! Shoot for the stars! Aim high!”

If the memes we see all over the interwebs are to be believed, having the dream would be enough. You’d set your goal, and everything else would fall into place. If that were true, then everyone would be earning big money while working part time from a tropical island, right?

And forget work-life balance. Juggling business alongside family, health, relationships, and this thing we’re supposed to do called self-care, can feel more like a work-life struggle. Going after professional goals can leave you sacrificing personal ones as you work longer and harder, and have nothing left for the rest.

I’m going to share the BIG THING that makes the difference between setting goals and actually achieving them; the big thing (that all humans have the capacity to do, you included!) that helps you stay in touch with your life as well as your work.

Get instant access to the recording here…

Lift comox valley business

The Vision Summit 2020

Vision Summit

Are you ready to make 2020 your year of vision? If so, we have an exciting (and free!) event to share with you. If you want to clarify and take action on your vision this year, I highly recommend you check out this upcoming FREE online summit

The Vision Summit is a 3-day online experience (Feb 20-22, 2020) designed to give you the insights and inspiration you need in order to clarify what you want, take steps toward it, and learn to trust and appreciate yourself and your journey.  I’m honoured to have been asked to take part – you can catch my interview on February 21st 2020!

Hosted by Heather Evans and Melissa Steginus, two coaches passionate about self-empowerment and manifestation, this event is designed to lead you to fully engage in your life. You’ll get powerful techniques and practices that you can apply right away to feel energized, empowered, and equipped to manifest your highest vision for your life and self. 

The details: The summit runs from February 20-22, 2020. During these 3 days, myself and 16 other speakers and practitioners will be sharing our journeys, lessons, and expertise on topics like: self-love, personal empowerment, manifestation, and so much more. You’ll get access to our interviews as well as practical tools and techniques, meditations, mindful movements, and exclusive bonus offers! If you’re interested, register here. Make sure to catch my interview on self-empowerment on Feb. 21st! 

You’ll hear deeply personal and moving stories and gain resources that address real-life issues, showcase vulnerability, and provide useful tools and approaches to nurture personal growth. From all the speakers and teachings in this free summit, you’ll get powerful techniques and practices that you can apply right away to: 

  • Stop demonizing your past self and begin to thank, love, and appreciate that person
  • Appreciate where you are on your journey and take steps forward from an empowered place of gratitude
  • Shift your perspective to believe you’re not broken or in need of fixing
  • Tune into yourself in body, mind, heart, and spirit while learning to love yourself unapologetically

Are you in? Mark your calendar and register here for the FREE ONLINE VISION SUMMIT! 

P.S. If you want to enjoy this online event with your friends, family, or colleagues who might also be interested and benefit, be sure to send them the link to this page to sign up too.

The Courage to Change How You Work

work habits

All of us have habits. Biting your nails, checking your phone every time it buzzes, leaving the toilet seat up… humans are creatures of habit, for sure. When it comes to running a business, it’s really no different. We develop habits unconsciously, often not even realizing we are doing it.

We are also, most of us, aware that developing good habits, or getting rid of the habits that don’t serve us, would be a great thing to do. The trouble is, it’s not that easy.

There are all sorts of reasons why it’s hard to change your habits, but there’s one in particular that I want to dig into. We often think of habit change being about willpower, pure and simple. If you want something enough, you’ll do what it takes. But there’s another, more insidious thing I want to talk about:

FEAR.

Making change is especially difficult if what you are doing now is in some way getting results. Take these examples:

You might want to work fewer hours – those 70 hours you’re racking up each week are sapping your energy and leaving you with no time to spend with your family, and you’d love for that to change, but the problem is, those 70 hours are earning the money. You’re AFRAID that if you put in less time, you’ll get less income.

You might want to delegate more tasks so you don’t have to do it all yourself. But when you do them yourself, you know it’ll be done right, and you’re AFRAID that if you ask someone else to do it, you’ll end up having to redo it because they did it wrong.

The people around us often feed those fears too. How often have you heard fellow business owners saying, “If you want to make a success of your business, you need to work harder than anyone else, you’ve got to expect to work 60-80 hours a week,” or, “If you want a job doing well, you have to do it yourself?

But what if they’re wrong? What if these are just myths? What if you could achieve the same income, or the same results, by doing things differently? What if you could win 10 or 20 hours a week back for yourself? What if you could delegate a task and have it done EVEN BETTER than you could?

As Jim Collins said, “Good is the enemy of great.” It’s much easier to stop doing something that isn’t working at all than it is to convince yourself to stop doing something that’s getting some results, even if the results aren’t the best, and even if you think there might be a better way. Sticking with what you know feels safer.

What if you had the courage to try? What if, by being brave enough to change HOW you work, you could achieve even greater results? Where would you start? What support would you need? What would you most want to change to make work more enjoyable again?

Challenging your belief system requires courage. It means taking what you think you know, and challenging all of it. If you believe that success is directly related to working longer and harder, it will take courage to convince yourself to build a habit of working less. If you believe that no one else can do the job like you can, it will take courage to allow someone else to have a go.

But it doesn’t stop there. It will also take courage to keep going. Because you will not always be successful first time (or second, or third time). You have to give yourself time and space to learn – to fail and to learn from those failures.

But when you can challenge your beliefs, be courageous in the face of failure, and use your stubborn determination to learn a new way of working, THEN you give yourself the freedom you so long for.

The reason coaching is so powerful is that it helps you identify and challenge your limiting beliefs, gives you strategies to help you make changes to your habits and behaviours, and gives you encouragement while you learn that your courage to try them is well placed.

Take action today.  This fall we are launching a powerful membership program, Work.Life.Smarts. This program will help you develop healthy, sustainable habits for a better business and a better life.  No more working longer and harder, no more busy-ness for the sake of busy-ness.  Just smarter, more effective ways to use your time and energy.

Stay tuned for official launch info (click the blue button at the top of the page to be first in line to hear the news as it happens).

Work life balance training